23/09/12

It's just about to break, it's more than I can take.

Everything's about to change.

Been awhile. There's a new dawn and it's near the point of unsettling. There is a change on the horizon and my veins are tingling as the blood changes. Everything will be new. Who is this fool trying to take control, this is new. There are changes, and they are void of the common dwellings of this mind.

Feel the anticipation. You hate yourself now, but boy are you wrong. This is the spark. This is what you felt on the stage. This is what you felt on the ice. Feel the sensation. Suddenly your world seems less... important. You will become a shadow walker. You will change.

There is little that could make you worse, this is the moment. Seize it and may the night be your guide. Goddess give me strength.

06/09/12

Baby put down the drink, and baby put down the bottle.

You're starting to sink.

And when you're down on your knees it's so hard to swallow.

You can feel it rush through your veins. That desire, that craving to see the end of the tunnel. You want it in a flash. You want to know the pain, the burn. Poison your blood and then take yourself out. Fall from grace. Take that one last plunge into oblivion. You don't want to hear these thoughts anymore. You don't want to have this torment, this inability to live. That blockade you built wont budge. Pound on the walls until your fists bleed and bone starts to show. You're a fighter all right you fight against yourself and both sides are vicious.

Your heart is beating like a loaded gun

What's done is done and you're spinning in circles.

Where's the girl that I used to know?

Why did you let her go? You know I loved her so.

You're getting ill. The voices aren't clear. Who are you? The psychosis is sinking in and taking a hold. Inside its dark and pouring rain. The weather changes as your emotions go. Off the handle and onto the ground. Pound the ground and yell at the top of your lungs but no one can hear you. This place you've made is an asylum of a broken soul. It wasn't a love gone wrong, it wasn't a past less semi charmed, it was all you. You're diseased. This isn't something someone can talk out of you and you know that. This is so much deeper.

There's a light at the end they say, but you don't care. All you know is the dark and that's all you want to know. The voice inside is quiet now, it's just as sick as you. This isn't about fulfilling yourself, this isn't about finding yourself. You know who you are, androgynous to the world but clear to you. But it doesn't matter, you killed them. You broke yourself apart only shatters remain. Now you'll never be reborn.

Shut your eyes and try to sleep the next day will be the same. Try to talk to people but you're too sick to know what to say. Wear your glamour they all buy it anyway. That life you wish you had, they all say just go and take it. You know it's not that simple, you know you can't do it and you know the chemicals in your brain are off. You know this isn't the same. You can feel the burn like a tumor against your chest when you hyperventilate. Let the adrenaline rush over you as you spiral out of control. Crash on the floor again. Call it an anxiety attack, tell them you're just going through a heat stroke. Tell them whatever you want you're the world's best actor. Fool the world and become the fool in the mirror.

I don't want it to go this way

Feeling like tomorrow is just a yesterday

I hate the way it is and to tell you the truth

It's killing me and it's killing you.

Watch her live, watch them all live. You know you're pulling her down but you know what will happen when you go, if you go. Those streets look so barren. The reality in your mind will become the reality your eyes see. Are you ready for that? You have nowhere to go and you're feeling it. Be forever a teenager in a grown body. Tell them all you're well off, tell them all you're doing fine. We both know how close you are to oblivion. Another casualty of conformity right? You try so hard to be perfectly fine but this is beyond help now. Only drugs will help but you don't want to spend the money for that when theres such an easy way. Dopamine comes from exhilaration so bring out the poison bring out the jagged edges then let the night air wash over. It gets cold out there, it will be slow.

I can't stand all the ups and downs

The back and forths and the round and rounds

The in and outs of the slamming doors

It's tearing me apart, I can't take no more.

Piece by piece your life is coming closer to the edge. Will there be a freight train or an angel of redemption? You don't know or care you just want to go 180mph into the unknown and see where you end up. Are you the person you claim to be or the person you laid to rest, it doesn't even matter to you anymore. All you want is the end of this pathetic excuse for a life. The apocalypse can rain down on you, you want it so badly. Your body craves it, it's convulsing the longer you let the rage and pain simmer. You know you're a sinner so what does it matter heaven or hell it's all the same shit to you in the end.

You crave it. That tear that always goes down their cheeks. Let the pulsing go over you and feel the skin quiver. Lay down. Lay down. Let the demons rest with you. It will all be over soon. Think of the good times and the high life.. it will make it easier. Don't think of her, that will stop you. Don't think of the promises you've made that will deter you. No just take it into over drive, flip on the nitrous and let it go. Let it ride out.

I want us like we were before

Not like the broken glass lying on the floor.

Grip your heart. What is it that you want? You crave the end and the adrenaline that goes with it but you want it to go back. To the days when you took pride, the days when you felt alive. You want to feel, you want to take a hold of what you have and become.. what you always were. What you always will be. You're that powerful human being that can overcome anything, you're beyond what you see, you are amazing. She knows it too, most of them do. They see past this charade that you think is so fool proof. but you're still an amazing actor. Your presentation is astounding. Until you're left to your prime. Your words tell more than you know. There's things in this world that you want. Things you want so much that you can't stand your life. You wan to change it and you have moments where it all makes sense. Where you can change it all. You try to grip on to them so hard but you can't hold on.

It feels like it's all slipping away

I wish I had you like It has you

It feels like it's all slipping away

I wish I had you..

Pound the ground one last time. Will you get up or will you lay down like the mutt you are. This world is a lot to take in, honesty might be a good start. Be true to yourself and everything will come after. Yea times are bad but you put yourself here. You know that, you know you can only blame yourself. But it's not to late, it's never too late. You feel the rush of the sounds take over your mind. There's a calm for a minute. You're alright for a moment again, you can see again. Make ideas, make plans. You wont go through with them but at least your hearts in the right place again.

Baby put down the drink, baby put down the bottle

You're starting to sink

And you get high when you're down, but I'm watching you fall.

You can see what you want in the light but that darkness haunts you. You can't stand the pain. You can't stand people, the world, it hits you like a blunt side of a loaded gun. You explode. You hate the fact you're a nothing, but that's you're fault like everything else is. Take it. Why wont you take it? If you were who they all said you were you wouldn't take this laying down. Stand on your feet and take on the world. That's who you are. Now take it. Just stop thinking and take it. The world is yours, you're brilliant. Just take it in. One day it will all make sense all you need to do is take that one last chance. Don't think just do it.

You're heart is beating like a loaded gun

What's done is done

And you're spinning in circles....

28/08/12

The Unrelenting Truth

You're tired again. You're wallowing in your misery laying on your bed watching reruns thinking about when you were in high school. You gave up your dreams back then for the same reasons you are now. Look at yourself, the way you glare at the door when you hear the kid bang on the walls. You know it's normal behavior for a kid that age to not want to go to bed and be irritated. You can't blame them for getting jealous and trying to find ways around being there. Every time your partner laughs at the screen you're envy starts to show. Why can't you laugh like that? Why can't you be simple minded as you so believe others to be. You wish you were typing, guess that's why you dragged your sorry ass onto your computer chair after to type this senseless drivel out for yourself.

That's the only way to get through to you isn't it? Insult you entirely. Then again you feed off of it. Such a pathetic excuse for a human being sitting there and taking in the pain like a safety blanket. That's all this is to you isn't it? You want them to hate you, inside you want that reason, that push off the edge so that you can take the easy route without remorse. Such a  selfish soul you are. Even now you're typing this out in your supposedly secret place but you just can't handle not getting some form of attention can you. All your childhood spent in the background as a loser who talked to trees and wished they were different. No that's not even correct you were a winner as a child. You'd strive, you had ambition. You didn't want to be different you were different and you embraced it. You didn't honestly care like you do now.

You say you grew out of it. Oh the lies you spew. That's all you do isn't it? Ever since your cousin showed you the internet all you've done is lie. It's humorous when you tell others that you're different and that you're pure. Fuck we know that you're just a bunch of bullshit riddles. You harbor this huge secret and we know it's just a stupid ploy so that you have something to complain about. There is little in your life that's horrible but you want to find a way to make it seem as such. You were running out of options and so you told a few people part of your big secret and they didn't care. You notice that you stupid prick? Yet you keep playing these people like a fiddle. You know exactly how they will react to anything, that's all you want in the end isn't it? Pity. You live off of it, that's why at work you lay it on really thick, just because you know they buy it. Such an abusive asshole you are toying with people's emotions like this. You know it's wrong, but yet here you go and do it anyway. If you took care of yourself for a minute you wouldn't get so tired.

That's your prized excuse isn't it? You're tired. Always fatigued from something whether it's mental or physical. Maybe if you stopped eating out all the time and stopped pretending to be someone else online and moved you wouldn't get so tired. You know it's true, you know because that's what you preach. You're out of practice, it's been several years now that all you've done is sit and gain weight. Nothing like gaining 80-90 pounds to make you so unhealthy that you can't even walk a block without issue. Such a disgrace, you're nothing like what you claim to be.

You want to know what they'd say if they knew. You want the destruction, but it will never happen because you live off it. The main source of you going to have a job in the first place is for this virtual reality that you pretend is reality. You'd never work. You proved that in your year of leisure. Every spare penny went into fast food and game cards didn't it? Who needs to get out of debt when we have a shiny fancy fake life we can live. The only trouble is people knew that you were one thing but you had to change that to better suit your needs. One can almost wonder about you, what you really are. You're so sick and twisted in your warped viewpoints of what truth is. Yet you truck on and play this game in the literal sense and upkeep the means to be amazing at it because that's all you have. You say you just stay modest but in truth it's all you have. The fucked up part of it all is you have a partner who cares a lot about you and you just drift them off like you're better. The lies you tell yourself.

There you go again. The heat is making you short tempered. You know if you were actually healthy it wouldn't make you react this severely to a minor change in temperature. Yet the minute things get warm you get hot headed and start throwing a tantrum. You're starting to notice how pointless your game is, you're noticing how much your'e repeating the incident that knocked you senseless. You don't want happiness at all, you only want pain. You aren't even at step one of getting better but you pretend like you already are.

Maybe if you get off your fat ass and fix up your body your mind will come back to clarity. That could be difficult though couldn't it. You need someone to abuse you, someone to push you to your limits of exhaustion and get you in shape. Too bad everyone cares about you and believes these lies you tell. You really are a piece of work aren't you. I'll stop attacking you for now, you needed this though. Now go to bed and work another day and complain some more. Maybe one day you'll actually listen to me.

21/08/12

LOOK. LISTEN. LEARN.. FEEL.

It's been awhile. I know what your'e thinking, sadly because you are me. I know what you did last summer, I know for the past week that you haven't slept. Stay awake all night thinking about that leap of faith. The image of a figure falling from the rafters to the sound of fuel.. imagine that could be you. Sometimes i wish. Sick of you're misery over nothing, but hey you keep going on about how you're a sick twisted son of a bitch when your'e not. Hey man it's alright we all think we're the baddest of the bad, but sometimes we need to let the past go.

I see how you look at them. Those humans living fancy free. I see you watch the children and your face going dark and focused like a serial killer ready to make his move. It's sick, but you love it. You love this pain, this rage that you feel. You sense happiness and you run off like a dog with its tail between its legs. Too bad you don't have one, maybe you'd have clarity. I remember that abuse you took in, locked it in a safe so you could always bring it back and feel that burn. You wonder why you never think people love you, that's what you feed yourself, these lies. But hey your'e the one, you're always there..


ONE LAST CHANCE TO GET ME THROUGH THE NIGHT, ONE LAST DANCE WITH THE LADY DRESSED IN WHITE


I feel... I feel this haunting feeling. Trapped forever as a child. I stand on a ledge the sky black the world beneath me as i stare down. Take that leap of faith. Join them down there. I lost myself I lost my alibis. One last chance to feed the enemy inside of me.

I see mirrors and I see the disaster in front of me. Take a fist wrapped by paper towel, smash the glass. Smash it all, take out your rage. take out everything.. even you. You talk to me every night telling me how shits so impossible. Telling me who I am inside. Tell me again one last time. Maybe if the adrenaline goes up high enough ill get the release. That final jolt that sends the surge. Lightning strike the land as i fall from grace.


Maybe it's best this way. The renegade of pain. Watch as everyone feels pain but you.. you make it an art form. You don't' feel pain anymore.. you are your pain. How does it feel you sick bastard? Feel the solace that night brings. Choke on the ashes as you burn away any form of relief.. miserable soul. We will dance again.

13/08/12

After dark comes the flood. I can feel it as I start to fade off into slumber. That point of the eve when I remember how alone I am, how lost I am. It's almost nauseating. The irony is that i surround myself with those with a similar thought pattern to me. Pity, because I know most of these people are just in a basic rut. My mind is haunted, I find no joy where others find solace I only find jealousy and desire for vengeance. It's a sick game that my mind plays and I must force a smile, shake a hand, play the favor.

That ritual where two people combine their lives under the holy cross and declare undying love. Such a joke yet I attend. I wonder how long they will stay, it's pathetic that one puts dates on time in love. Love is merely a form of passion, and passion is vindictive. It can become you, consume everything that you are and should it leave you all that is left is a shell of what once was. I feel that passion in the form of rage. Howls from the beast within as i watch others embrace.

Yet it's not just in the form of a lover's walk that I admit to pain. No even in the simplest of forms such as comradeship. I sit here at this white blankness trying to formulate words to describe this.. emptiness. How can you? This act alone is ironic. Express my feelings of emptiness by filling a page. Humorous really, even the act of filling one's self full of positivism to help sooth to pain of the void. But is there pain there? They say there is but I take comfort there. This is where I slumber.

I'm watching them communicate again. Those silly creatures that walk by day. I hear them speak of matters to which they believe are righteous yet are no more than selfish. I've always found that ironic that a sinner such as I stand by the ways of the truly righteous. Ah yes mind you know this feeling as well as I. The great bridge that i create between the darkness and the light. Why can't people think of others? I watch these humans as they graze upon each other's emotions like cattle to the pasture. They were close when they claimed that humans were sheep, close but there is no shepard anymore. No these creatures are alike to the cattle. All they know is gluttony and reproduction. Once per change of season they are lead by men who lead them to what begins as greener pasture but by the time the beasts have ate the land it looks no better if not worse than the pasture before.

Oh nature how you teach us. Why does no one listen? Why is it that I sit here understanding the level of connection between all species and these humans have nothing better to do than to rip at each other. There is no tranquility in men feeding other men the lies to which they feed off themselves. Oh the chatter they create when they believe they have found harmony only to learn the truth of this veil.

I am losing my focus. I can feel the sensation of the day weathering my cells. Ah yes great slumber it is time for me to take the plunge into your silence and true tranquility. The one true peace that is always done ultimately.. alone.

10/08/12

I hear them calling to me again. Those little demons how they cackle to me when the lights go out. How they scream at me while there is nothing there to tune them out. I'd name them but then I'd have to feed them, so I just let them sit outside myself and holler for me to let them inside. I know they vandalize my shelter. I can hear them knocking around leaving marks and symbols of their desires. I sometimes think about lighting a candle and exploring the mess they wreck but I fear they might come inside while I'm out.

Such a ridiculous fear. Everyone has them but mine I sometimes wonder what the devil wants from me. We're all sinners but these demons are powerful, almost as if sent to me for something more than what they are for others.

Today was a day of solace. I know you enjoyed it, the silence may be defining but that familiar hum from the demons is almost relaxing. It has indeed been a day of tranquility - or as tranquil as my world can become. While its been a peaceful day I'm still bitten. These walls are talking to me again. It's alike to when i was at the home country only I can hear the sounds of civilization out the window here. It reminds me that I am indeed alive. Sometimes I miss the old country. I could pretend that I was already off this plane and into the next. Everyone must one day meet this plane though, so unfortunately I go about the charade.

I wonder if it will storm again tonight. The days are warm and the night stained with tears from mother nature. I hear it in the sounds as tears come falling from her majestic sky. Sometimes it is more violent with the bolts breaking up the darkness. This is how she knows that we notice her plight. I have anyways noticed. just as I have noticed she does not grace us in the times of snow with her dancing as the year comes to a close and rebirth. It is a shame, as dear mother has always found a way of consoling me with her nightly dance. I hear the sounds of the wild missing it as I do. Maybe one day these confusing humans will notice what we do as well. maybe then there will be a time of solace instead of industrialization. Perhaps, although such a time has long past and will never return to us again.

I sometimes think about my mutation. As if mother nature wanted me to learn what it meant to be like her before becoming one of her warriors. This could be true. That or I may just be delusional which is also extremely likely. That is what this ramble of thoughts and expression is for. I know you are aware of this but sometimes you need to say it to fully remember. Today I am not thinking about it as prominently. I feel more relaxed in the sense of solitude that such thoughts are gone. It just tempts me to feed those demons. How they scream, and how long I have remembered them. It is almost as if they are like my kinsmen now, perhaps this is why I am so hesitant to silence them. They comfort me, my long standing company to which I know will always be there. Perhaps one day i will meet a human that acts alike to a demon, a succubus or siren to whom which i can not ignore such as these creatures. Perhaps, when the sun goes down and I dream again she will visit me once more, this haunting figure to which I find solitude like I feel right now alone in the dark.

09/08/12

They say a diary/journal is a great way to understand your thoughts and let out feelings of distress, anger, fear, love, anything that can't be expressed publicly. They say it's healing.. I somehow doubt that part. Yet here I am typing out a first post on an online diary cleverly named a blog. I wont refer to this as such a place, the word blog sounds too new-age and mindless. No this will be the inner workings of my mind, a journal of my mind's eye for me to have somewhere I belong.

I will spare you the details of who I am, as far as I'm concerned you already know who I am. That's what a brain is for right? Knowing everything that this existence has taught you and lead you to believe. Maybe one day I will understand why I'm so broken. Then again maybe I'm not supposed to find out why and I'm destined to suffer the life of a catalyst.

I'm sure you understand what I mean. Does it not make sense? I'm here for the purpose to assist others, help them succeed and feel better. I am a catalyst for other's to feed off what remains of my self worth. I sometimes wonder when the day will come when I meet someone like me. Someone who's brain is split from their body or used up to the point that all they feel is obligation. I'm like a catholic going to confession every time I speak to a psychiatrist. Explain myself then go do my hail Mary's to get better and never reach a true solace. It's almost like crying wolf when I try to say I have a problem - if someone does listen they don't believe me or have nothing to say about it.

It must be nice to be a regular Joe. I see them daily going about their lives being part of something even if it is a vicious cycle forming a system of injustice. At least these people can tune into it and have the ambition to strive. Humans are curious and astounding creatures. I really wish I could join them, learn what it's like to live. But who am I kidding we both know I tried that many times before. It just seems as though my place is in the shadows.. watching them and learning their habits.

This curse I bare is one of mystery. Perhaps through these pages in my mind the cure may be found to fix this affliction...