28/08/12

The Unrelenting Truth

You're tired again. You're wallowing in your misery laying on your bed watching reruns thinking about when you were in high school. You gave up your dreams back then for the same reasons you are now. Look at yourself, the way you glare at the door when you hear the kid bang on the walls. You know it's normal behavior for a kid that age to not want to go to bed and be irritated. You can't blame them for getting jealous and trying to find ways around being there. Every time your partner laughs at the screen you're envy starts to show. Why can't you laugh like that? Why can't you be simple minded as you so believe others to be. You wish you were typing, guess that's why you dragged your sorry ass onto your computer chair after to type this senseless drivel out for yourself.

That's the only way to get through to you isn't it? Insult you entirely. Then again you feed off of it. Such a pathetic excuse for a human being sitting there and taking in the pain like a safety blanket. That's all this is to you isn't it? You want them to hate you, inside you want that reason, that push off the edge so that you can take the easy route without remorse. Such a  selfish soul you are. Even now you're typing this out in your supposedly secret place but you just can't handle not getting some form of attention can you. All your childhood spent in the background as a loser who talked to trees and wished they were different. No that's not even correct you were a winner as a child. You'd strive, you had ambition. You didn't want to be different you were different and you embraced it. You didn't honestly care like you do now.

You say you grew out of it. Oh the lies you spew. That's all you do isn't it? Ever since your cousin showed you the internet all you've done is lie. It's humorous when you tell others that you're different and that you're pure. Fuck we know that you're just a bunch of bullshit riddles. You harbor this huge secret and we know it's just a stupid ploy so that you have something to complain about. There is little in your life that's horrible but you want to find a way to make it seem as such. You were running out of options and so you told a few people part of your big secret and they didn't care. You notice that you stupid prick? Yet you keep playing these people like a fiddle. You know exactly how they will react to anything, that's all you want in the end isn't it? Pity. You live off of it, that's why at work you lay it on really thick, just because you know they buy it. Such an abusive asshole you are toying with people's emotions like this. You know it's wrong, but yet here you go and do it anyway. If you took care of yourself for a minute you wouldn't get so tired.

That's your prized excuse isn't it? You're tired. Always fatigued from something whether it's mental or physical. Maybe if you stopped eating out all the time and stopped pretending to be someone else online and moved you wouldn't get so tired. You know it's true, you know because that's what you preach. You're out of practice, it's been several years now that all you've done is sit and gain weight. Nothing like gaining 80-90 pounds to make you so unhealthy that you can't even walk a block without issue. Such a disgrace, you're nothing like what you claim to be.

You want to know what they'd say if they knew. You want the destruction, but it will never happen because you live off it. The main source of you going to have a job in the first place is for this virtual reality that you pretend is reality. You'd never work. You proved that in your year of leisure. Every spare penny went into fast food and game cards didn't it? Who needs to get out of debt when we have a shiny fancy fake life we can live. The only trouble is people knew that you were one thing but you had to change that to better suit your needs. One can almost wonder about you, what you really are. You're so sick and twisted in your warped viewpoints of what truth is. Yet you truck on and play this game in the literal sense and upkeep the means to be amazing at it because that's all you have. You say you just stay modest but in truth it's all you have. The fucked up part of it all is you have a partner who cares a lot about you and you just drift them off like you're better. The lies you tell yourself.

There you go again. The heat is making you short tempered. You know if you were actually healthy it wouldn't make you react this severely to a minor change in temperature. Yet the minute things get warm you get hot headed and start throwing a tantrum. You're starting to notice how pointless your game is, you're noticing how much your'e repeating the incident that knocked you senseless. You don't want happiness at all, you only want pain. You aren't even at step one of getting better but you pretend like you already are.

Maybe if you get off your fat ass and fix up your body your mind will come back to clarity. That could be difficult though couldn't it. You need someone to abuse you, someone to push you to your limits of exhaustion and get you in shape. Too bad everyone cares about you and believes these lies you tell. You really are a piece of work aren't you. I'll stop attacking you for now, you needed this though. Now go to bed and work another day and complain some more. Maybe one day you'll actually listen to me.